well...

sometimes you think you've got it all figured out.
you've got a plan.
and then things change,
and you're surprised by it.

i guess i would have been more surprised if it did actually work out.

things don't often work out.

It's a New Year.

I resolve to do a bunch of sweet shit.

Letters.

to my unborn child,

I think about you sometimes, you know. mostly at night. mostly when there’s no one else around. mostly when I feel the kind of loneliness that isn’t cured by having people around you, or by having people very close to you, or by having people stroke your greasy hair and call you baby. I giggle to myself, because they don’t know that I happen to be thinking about a baby that already exists in the form of a gamete somewhere within my gut mucus. they don’t know what’s funny. hehe.

That’s mostly when I think of you.

your unmade mother.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

to my unborn child,

you may think I didn’t try. I did. I ate carrots for you. I fucking hate carrots. I ate carrots and took vitamins and stopped buying from Red, even though I wanted to and I knew he’d get back at me for it. I hate eating carrots. I hate buying vitamins. Red’s going to be pissed.

I tried, but it wasn’t good enough.

your unmade mother.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

to my unborn child,

it’s a good thing you’re unborn. I’m terribly lonely sometimes, but you wouldn’t like it here. I don’t like it here at all. Sometimes I drink a lot, even though I hate the taste of alcohol and I hate being drunk. Sometimes I don’t drink at all and I pretend you’re on your way and it gives me a reason not to put on a dress and boots and instead look up interesting facts about you and try to pick out your name. I know that if that were true my breasts would be tender, and my areolas would be dark. One of my boobs hurts because I got slammed against the pole on the subway. It’s darker, but that’s just a bruise.

I have so many names for you.

your unmade mother.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

to my unborn child,

I think about the day you left a lot. they told me I should be relieved this big mess just took care of itself. I wasn’t relieved. not at all. I was devastated.

I still am, I think.

your unmade mother.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

to my unborn child,

I really love my mom. I think you’d really love me, but probably for very different reasons. she’s a perfect mom, and I’m the kind of person who’s never supposed to be a mom. you can tell by my “blatant disregard for issues concerning my overall wellness.” my body’s a fucking dump, you don’t want to live here. maybe you will again someday, but probably not for long.

I miss you

your unmade mother.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

to my unborn child,

my favorite color is plum. not purple, but plum. it’s a beautiful color. it’s the color of sensual lips of perfect sunsets and of jazz. it’s a terribly sad color too, you know. it’s the color of bruises, and blood clots and miscarriages.

Plum looks beautiful on my skin. I’m sure it would look beautiful on yours too.

your unmade mother.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

to my unborn child,

I hope someone sends you flowers someday. I’ve been sent flowers many times. sometimes, when it actually means something and you know it does, it’s a really wonderful experience. I have a really hard time throwing flowers away, so I press them in books or hang them from my corkboards, but I hardly ever remember they’re there. my bookcases all smell like desiccated petals. I think it’s a sad smell, but don’t hold me to it. you might not think it sad at all

I hope you get to smell dried flowers. I’m starting to think you might someday

your unmade mother.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

to my unborn child,

I’ve reconsidered a lot of things lately. things seem different, you know. very different. not necessarily right, but maybe like someday they’ll be right. I hope so. I think we’d be great together. this is a good day. for both of us, I think.

it’ll be terribly nice to meet you in person someday.

your unmade mother.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

to my unborn child,

I bought you a stuffed giraffe, even though I’m not sure if you’ll get to see it or not. maybe someday, in a very long time. it’s charming. it has two small horns and a silly looking face. it’s incredibly fictional. I thought I’d tell you that though we may think giraffes all look pretty similar, they all have different spots, though giraffes from the same areas have similar spots, which makes me think of problems we have here. people from the same areas have the same spots too. You don’t know anything about that kind of stuff, which is really wonderful. I hope you never do, but I don’t know how to keep all the bad things from you.

If you were a giraffe, I’m sure your spots would be so beautiful.

your unmade mother.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

to my unborn child

it’s been a while, and things are going well. I hope you don’t feel neglected, as you certainly have been on my mind lately. I haven’t had time to write you, as things are different. I could tell you all of the things, but I think eventually you’ll see them. until then, I hope all is well for you too.

goodbye for now

your unmade mother.

Bird's The Word.

I have ten birds. Bet you don't know many people with ten birds, eh?

Dreaming of Africa.

I'm going to Ghana this summer, and i'm incredibly excited about it.
It all started at orientation this year. I saw a presentation on the trip, and immediately knew it was something I was really interested in, yet I wasn't quite certain I was up to it. I mean in all honesty going to Africa was never something I considered.

I got lucky enough to get a chance to speak to Dr. Virginia LeBlanc one on one, as she was kind enough to drive me home after an event. She encouraged me to look in to the program and consider applying, and from that point on my interest grew steadily.

Everyday I'd check to see if the application was up, and eventually it came! It prompted me to write a 1,000 word, research-based essay on why I wished to go to Ghana. Through my research I was further convinced of how much I want to partake in this life-changing experience. A few weeks after that I was interviewed, and then told I had been selected to take part in the trip.

I have recently reviewed my itinerary, and it only serves to build my excitement! I've been looking up some of the places I'll be going, and cannot express how grateful and astounded I am to know that soon I'll be able to experience them for myself.

I'll be gone for a month this summer, and though I cannot show (or even find!) all of the places I'll be visiting, I thought I'd share some of the key points.

I will be arriving in Accra, Ghana's capital.

Then volunteering at Bepong Jr. High, in Mpraeso.

Stopping by Kintampo Falls.

Going on a Safari in Mole National Park.

Seeing an important mosque in Larabanga.

Visiting Nzulezu, a village on stilts.

Touring the Elmina and Cape Coast slave castles.

Going to the village of Tafi-Atome.

Experiencing the people of Lake Volta

And most exciting of all for me, encountering and interacting with the beautiful people of Ghana

I cannot even begin to explain how incredibly excited I am for this experience. I will be keeping a journal and taking many pictures, and hopefully will be able to publish them on this blog.

thoughts.

i think about the future a lot. especially at night.

a year ago i thought about what i'd be doing now. now i think about what i'll be doing in five years. i wonder what i'll think about then. probably about what i want my urn to be made of.

it's not that i don't enjoy my life, i do. i love my life. i love my friends, and my family, and my school. I love being in college. I love dressing up and going out to dinner with Al. I love the silly things he calls me. I love snuggling and ice cream and dancing with friends and listening to music in cars. i love wearing rain boots. i love dark chocolate and sour gummies. i love watching dateline with my mother.

i love my life right now. more than ever before.

right now i'm home, but still, i can't help thinking about the future.

...it sort of makes me nervous.

Here goes.

so i've decided to have a blog.
i don't know what to put into it yet, but i'll figure it out.
am i really supposed to have an introductory post? it seems kind of lame.


one of my fish died today.

cheers!